A Right to Speak Pt. 3: Why are People so Afraid of a Boy in Pink?

There are very few things that throw into relief the way we treat gender more than having a baby. From the moment you find out whether it’s a boy or a girl, everyone’s behaviour changes: now, suddenly, they can buy the “right” coloured onesies whereas before they stuck to white, now they know which toys to buy and how to theme the baby shower. Now they can start dreaming of what your beautiful little girl or rough and tumble little boy will be like, and act like, and look like, and like to do.   If you don’t find out beforehand what you are having - which I did not, mostly to avoid all of this - then they tend to be thrown for a loop. How could you possibly prepare a bedroom for a baby when you don’t know if it’s male or female?   The thing is, I am not as “radical” as people think I am. I believe that on the whole there are differences between men and women, that both have their particular strengths and weaknesses. I do think it’s dangerous and unhelpful to enforce these stereotypes in any individual case, because people vary so much - some women are physically strong, some men are not. Some men are nurturing and natural carers, and some women are not. However, I’m not denying that in general, male and female are different (and equally valuable in their differentness).   What really gets me, and has become extra noticeable in raising my son, are the arbitrary, ridiculous ways we define and reinforce gender difference. It leaves me wondering: what are parents, grandparents and people in general afraid of?   The first phenomena, of course, is the colour-coding. Pink for girls, blue for boys. Maybe I’m a little bitter about this because pink is not one of my favourite colours at all, but I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that the extent to which we code children according to their genitals is quite crazy. My son was once wearing a shirt with polka dots on it, of which one (one!) was pink. Everyone we met that day assumed he was a girl. His wardrobe is chock full of blue clothes, despite my conscious efforts not to let that happen. Just about everything available is blue or pink! This continues into adulthood to a lesser degree. Have you ever looked at men’s and women’s razors, blue and pink respectively, and wondered why and what’s the difference? Ever seen that “Mammoth Supply Co” with its range of dairy products in steely blue packaging, marketed specifically to men because apparently normal yoghurt and milk is too girly, and wondered WHY?   Disclaimer: I do not have a problem with anyone wearing, or dressing their children in, whichever colours they prefer. I think it’s silly that we have equated colour with gender so completely, when the two concepts have absolutely nothing to do with each other as far as I can tell.   It goes beyond the colours. The messaging on children’s clothes makes me gag on the regular. Young girls, even infants, sport shirts about how they are “Daddy’s Little Princess” or how they love shopping. Currently, unicorns are a common motif - but only for girls, for whatever reason. Maybe there are no male unicorns? How would they make baby unicorns? Little boys are not Daddy’s little prince - they are “Dude” or “Future All Black” or “Ladies’ Man”. They get dogs on their shirts, while girls get cats. The reasoning behind that division of domesticated animal species remains a complete mystery.   Toys are another thing altogether - yes, there are plenty of gender-neutral toys, and you are welcome to buy trucks for your girls and dolls for your boy should you choose, but the marketing of these things is where it gets a bit silly. Walk down the “girls” toy aisle of a department store and you could be forgiven for thinking you’d fallen into a cotton candy machine.   Now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest, here’s why I care.   As I said, I am not opposed to the idea of men and women having differences. I do wonder though, why we hold so tight to some divisions that seem so unrelated to any conceivable real male/female dichotomy. Sure, a lot of men might have strengths and aptitudes that a lot of women do not, but what does the colour blue have to do with any of it? I have seen with my own eyes that women are usually (usually) better at multitasking than men, but that doesn’t really tie in with the colour pink. If my son likes cats more than dogs, does that say something about his inherent “manliness”? If my niece likes to play with blocks, lego, and toy cars, will she be labelled a tomboy and considered less feminine - and if so, why?   Sometimes, by reinforcing these unnecessary stereotypes, we are devaluing those who don’t fit into them. If a girl grows up believing that she should be a good cook, look pretty, and act like a princess, because that’s the message that’s been marketed to her at every turn, she may struggle to accept the parts of herself that fall outside of that. If having and looking after children as a feminine virtue is constantly pounded into her head through marketing, modelling and praise when she fits the nurturing mold, what happens when she would rather focus on a career?   My experience is as a woman, so I can’t speak as much to how the pressure of gender affects men - Aaron can, and has. I feel lucky that my parents did not hammer into me that I should like particular colours or hobbies or careers because I am female, and as a grown woman I can appreciate my femininity which includes much more green than pink, and more hiking than shopping for shoes. The ways in which I don’t vibe with the traditional “girl” things don’t make me any less of a woman, in my opinion - because why should those things define what it means to be one? The ways in which I DO vibe with the traditional “girl” things (and there are plenty) don’t make me any more of a woman, either - because most of them have nothing to do with what it means to be one.   As for my son, I’m not taking him around dressed in pink and purple and forcing him to play with dolls to make a point! He chooses what he likes, and I don’t prevent him from playing with particular things because of their colour, or because they are toys for girls. His little best friend is a girl, and they are already showing some stereotypical “masculine” and “feminine” preferences, which is fine and interesting to see (he has an uncanny knack for spotting diggers and trucks) - but they also like to swap gumboots so he wears the sparkly ones and she wears the blue ones. She likes dinosaurs, and her outfits reflect that fabulously.   Who might he - might they - become if they are allowed to grow up without the constant messaging about what a male or female should be? It seems that the people who are the most outspoken about there being very defined traits and roles of men and women (anything else being “unnatural”) are the ones who are the most wary of boys playing with dolls or girls wearing blue. What are they afraid of? Boys will be boys, it’s true - let’s sit back a bit and just see just how those boys will be boys, and girls be girls, when we allow it to develop naturally and unrestricted.       - Sarah Glover