What About the Big Stuff? Forgiveness after Abuse / Mike Rolston

I. Forgive. You. Three words.

Three small words that so often get tossed around. Someone breaks a glass - I forgive you. Someone runs late to your meeting, or let’s push it a little; your significant other breaks a confidence by sharing something personal - it’s OK, I forgive you.

But what does it mean, to forgive? A quick google search shows this: To stop feeling angry/resentful for an offence. To no longer wish to punish an offence/flaw/mistake. To cancel a debt.

In short, an offence or mistake has been made and now a debt is owed. A price must be paid.

It is often said that familiarity breeds contempt. We hear the term “forgiven” or “I forgive you” so often that it has lost its gravitas - the weight that comes with it. We have been desensitised to its authority. How often have we heard Christians say: Jesus has forgiven you/us? How often is it repeated in the song lyrics? Have we stripped forgiveness of its power?

Does that need forgiving?

So what about the big stuff? What about the 12 year old boy who, in his care-free youth, had his trust, innocence and sense of identity taken by a predator. The child who was made intimately aware of the adult world, many many years before it was right for him to know.

Every day. For four years. His mind warped and twisted into something it was never meant to be, to someone he was never meant to be. His body used and abused by a man who had no right to it. How does he not only survive, but start fresh when his entire reality, his every waking moment is caught up in this corrupted alternative?

Can you imagine the debt owed? Can you begin to imagine the offence and hurt and the desire to punish? The resentment?

This is my reality. This is my story. How do I, can I, forgive him?

It took a long time. It took me to realise the debt that I owe, the offence I’ve caused and the deep, deep flaw within me to begin to understand how to forgive him.

It took Jesus. His final act was the ultimate statement of love and compassion. It was Him saying “Yes I know who you are. I know what you have done and I know what you will do. I know your debt. I know the price. I choose to pay it.”

I realised that if Jesus was saying that to me, then he was saying it to you. If he was saying it to you then he was saying it to all of us which has to include the man who betrayed the trust of a little boy.

Jesus paid my debt, so I could have the strength to cancel out this man’s debt to me.

I want to make clear that this man went to prison for his crime. He did not get let off freely by “The State”. He broke the laws of this land and was held accountable for that.

Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. It does not mean we are not held accountable or that we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. It simply means that forego our right to retribution. We surrender the chance to get even.

What good does it do to get even? Does it erase the countless hours of abuse and corruption of an innocent mind and body? No. It doesn’t even make you feel better afterwards..not really. There is still a hole left inside after you get even. The hate and anger do not pass. They fester and they linger. All the time spent planning revenge is just wasted energy because it holds you back from becoming who you are meant to be.

Does knowing this make it easy? No. Does knowing this mean I forgive once and move on? No.

The truth is, I need daily reminders to forgive him. I need new grace and mercy every morning to find the strength to stop the return of hate, hurt and humiliation. To stop the anger and resentment from building within and putting me on the path that he started on.

If I fail to forgive and continue to seek so called “justice”, then I will find myself in a place of destruction. My relationships will fall apart, my family will disappear and suddenly I will be doing something terrible to someone else. I will be inflicting abuse on someone else. It happens all too often, not just in our society but in this world. People hold onto the hurt and seek punishment and reparation for the wrongs done to them and the cycle continues.

I choose the authority of forgiveness. I choose to release the hurt, resentment and anger. I choose to cancel the debt. I choose Jesus.

I. Forgive. You.

Mike Rolston