#ToListenIsToLove: But, Can we Love the Sexual Offenders? / A.J. Hendry

#tolistenistolove is one of our mottos here at When Lambs Are Silent.

As a community, we believe that to truly love someone involves respecting them enough to listen to their story. It means that – agree or not – we will choose to love each other by at least seeking to understand the story that has shaped your view, or behaviour.

We truly believe that, as people, we encounter each other through our stories. And that it is through one's story, that we can truly begin to understand the other.

However, there are times where this commitment to love is tested. There are some stories which can seem too difficult, or perhaps too hurtful to enter.  Some that make us want to run away and hide.

Stories that we would rather ignore. Preferring to favour the cliché's and stereotypes, rather than risk touching the heart of the human behind the mask.

The story of the would-be paedophile is one.

I want to acknowledge from the outset that this is a difficult story.

Most of us will know of communities, whanau, or perhaps even close friends, or loved ones who have had their lives destroyed by sexual assault.

There is no diminishing the wrongness, even the evil, of the behaviour.

But, beneath the labels of “monster”, “filthy pervert”, or even “demon”, is a human being.

A person.

A broken soul, who started their journey, like many, if not all of us...

As a Youth Worker I have worked with rangatahi from many different walks of life. Each rangatahi is facing their own challenge, and every one, has their own story. Too often, that story includes abuse, violence, and sexual assault.

Jack was no different.

Except Jack wasn’t the victim....,

…. He was the perpetrator.

When I got the referral, I remember pausing for a second.

What he had done was wrong, so wrong.

But, my role in this was not to judge.

It was to listen.

It was to love.

I remember the first time I sat down with Jack. In the back of my mind the weight of his crime bubbled, threatening to distract me from my role.

It took an effort, but I had to mentally push aside my preconceived thoughts and judgements about the young man in front of me.

And as I was able to lay those aside, I gained the ability to listen.

And as I listened to his story, I encountered Jack in a way the label’s he had been given never would have allowed.

Jack’s story was too familiar. Abuse, addiction, violence and neglect.

And at the core of it all....

A lack of genuine love, and acceptance...

Jack was just one of those kids that didn’t fit. He was mocked and bullied by his peers...

Neglected by his family....

Forgotten by his father...

His story was one of grief, it was a story of loss, a story of a young man searching for love....

In all the wrong places.

Beneath the labels, beneath the masks, was a hurting little boy. A child, who had been broken, abused, neglected and cast aside. A young man who, above all, just needed to be loved.

Does this make what he did ok?

No!

One hundred times.... NO!

But, it does make him human.

You see when we just call people “monsters”, and write them off as “sub-human", we fail to pay attention to the story that shaped them. A story, which more often than not, involves all of us.

What would have happened, if Jack had grown up in a loving, stable, environment?

What could still happen, if Jack was embraced by a caring and supportive community? One that did not cast him aside for his sins, but embraced him where he was, accepted him, and walked with him upon his journey to healing and recovery?

Could we change his story?

Could we help to prevent the harm that was caused?

I believe we could have.

Those we call monsters are not created in a vacuum.

People who commit sexual offences, don’t just wake up one morning, and decide that they are going to ruin someone's life.

Every one of us is shaped, in some way or another, by the environment we grow up in.

By the experiences we have.

By the people we encounter.

Yes, people are still responsible for the individual decisions they make. But, while acknowledging the wrongness or rightness of an individual's decisions, there is also a need to acknowledge the collective responsibility of the community that shaped that individual.

Jack made some horrifically bad decisions.

Decisions which had painful, and potentially life long consequences for those he hurt.

There are those that would probably like to say that what he did was evil.

And they might be right.

But, Jack, himself, is not.

Jack is a person.

A broken, hurting, person.

A person, who out of a desperate need to feel loved, sought to find love in its most corrupted form.

Hating Jack doesn’t stop sexual offending.

Vilifying, and demonising Jack will not prevent it from happening again.

But, loving the Jacks of this world might just help them to find a way out of the lost places that they have found themselves in.

Continuing to hate people, even those we consider to be the worst of people...won’t do anything to change the world we live in.

Hate, only leads to more hurt.

Next time you come across someone who seems unlovable, who’s actions or behaviors disgust or perhaps even terrify you.

I ask you to remember Jack.

To remember, that people are much more than the worst that they have done.

#tolistenistolove

A.J. Hendry