The Silent Trauma of being Gay

I’m now 62. My first 55 years were a living hell. Does that sound extreme? Perhaps, considering I was never physically or sexually abused, had a loving stable family and nothing out of the ordinary. Except for one thing – I’m gay. Nothing ever happened to me to make me gay. I just knew I was different from quite young, and when the hormones started to kick in at puberty, there was absolutely no doubt. No interest in girls at all, it was the boys who got the blood rushing. But we are talking about the 60s and 70s when “gay” was for a handful of flamboyant musicians and artists. It was something we never even talked about – no mention of it being good or bad – just nothing. So although I never thought of myself as “gay”, I knew I was really different, and that freaked me out. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone, and that freaked me out to. I had no reference point. I enjoyed sexual encounters with some friends at school, but we never thought of it as being gay – just a bit of fun. By the time I was 15 I was seriously worried and started to look for reasons why I was like this and for some way to change. I felt like an outcast and a freak. I began to venture into religion to find a solution and ended up a passionate Christian – a long journey that became my life. I was fed the promise that I could change. Well meaning people would tell me that it was demons. Others said it was some deep childhood trauma, or sexual abuse, or dysfunctional parenting. I embraced them all. I left no stone unturned in my quest to be “normal”. I had every demon cast out of me; I went through every childhood memory looking for clues; I analysed my family relationships; I underwent every form of Christian counselling around. In later years I joined Living Waters (gay conversion therapy organisation), because they offered the most promising cure I’d yet heard. My wife (who was bisexual) and I became worship leaders and group leaders, participating in their program for about 15 years in various forms. I became an advocate for their program and would recommend it to others. But I never had the guts to say to anyone it didn’t work. Throughout all the years I never once had the fortitude to admit to anyone that I was just as gay as ever. The only thing that had changed was my ability to deny reality. So why was it a living hell (assuming you haven’t already guessed)? I could never be honest. A huge part of me was hidden in shame. I was terrified of being found out. Because culturally, and as a christian, I was not supposed to be attracted to other guys. I was supposed to be straight, and love it. Being gay was a dreadful sin, and yet I would beg and plead to God to change me. I would be in tears trying to figure out why I was made this way. For me there was no doubt that it wasn’t something I chose. There was never even a moment where I said to myself “this is what I want”. And yet, I was offered hope for change like the carrot leading the donkey ever forward, just beyond it’s reach. I became seriously depressed in my teens, and by the time I was 18 I tried to kill myself. The depression never left. It would come and go, but was always there to shape my life. Sure I was the funny guy, always joking around. But that was self protection, a way of deflecting myself and others away from finding the real me. I married twice, thinking it was a way of making me straight. My first wife only lasted 3 years, and wisely moved on. My second wife stayed, and our relationship deteriorated into one of abuse – by her! Not physical, but because of my complete lack of romance or affection, she took out her frustrations on me in the most demeaning and soul destroying ways. My depression became worse, and many was the night I’d go for a walk down the highway, inches away from jumping in front of a truck. I would get frustrated and angry. I would get anxiety attacks and freeze up. I utterly hated every aspect of myself. I was a mess. It was indeed a living hell. My wife died in 2011 from cancer, and the irony was that I was the one who wanted to die and she was desperate to live. After she died, I had a breakdown. It had been a life of false hope, self hatred, shame, mental abuse that finally reached breaking point. It was only then that I had the guts to say to myself “I’m gay”, and then tell the world. The sense of freedom was extraordinary, but it’s been a long slow recovery and the effects may well be with me for the rest of my days. I still live with the legacy of mental health issues. My faith didn’t save me. My religion almost killed me, simply because it never accepted me. It told me I was broken, a sinner of the worst kind, not worthy of God’s love, but never gave me the ability to do anything about it. Nothing changed me one iota, except perhaps forcing me to repress who I was even further. I wonder how different life would have been if I was simply loved and accepted as I am. But I now know how good life is, just being me. I now know how to “live loved”.

Jim Marjoram is founder of Silent Gays and organization that supports people struggling with their sexuality and their faith. To connect with him you can find him here on FB at "Its Life Jim," https://www.facebook.com/itslifejimthebook/ and also here at "Silent Gays" https://www.facebook.com/SilentGays/ If this story has brought up anything for you and you would like to talk to someone about it you can either contact Jim above or any of the links below for further support.

Where to get help

Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or 09 5222 999 within Auckland.

Samaritans – 0800 726 666.

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). Open 24/7

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202. This service is staffed 24/7 by trained counsellors

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Healthline – 0800 611 116

Counselling for children and young people

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat. Open 24/7.

thelowdown.co.nz – or email team@thelowdown.co.nz or free text 5626

What’s Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm. Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily.

Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline) for young people up to 18 years of age. Open 24/7.

For more information about support and services available to you, contact the Mental Health Foundation’s free Resource and Information Service on 09 623 4812 during office hours or email info@mentalhealth.org.nz

Rainbow Youth - Call them (weekdays from 11am – 5pm): (09) 376 4155

Email them (anytime!): info@ry.org.nz

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