The Broken Alarm: Shame, Anxiety, and the Courage to Speak / Rebecca Ogden

This piece was originally published on Unedited Wonderings

It ached today. I don’t know why it ached but it did. I’m told its grief. I can’t say if it is or not. My heads been playing tricks. Telling me the old lie to keep quiet, don’t celebrate and definitely don’t be proud of yourself.

“You’ll be misunderstood, laughed at.

They will think you’re a right off if they knew you still struggled.

It’s childish and silly. Shame, who do you think you are! You can’t be lovable like that! If you do say anything you will be pushed out and alone.

If you celebrate, anyone that does care will just leave you, they’ll think you don’t need anyone now. They didn’t really like you anyway.

If you did it now, then you failed all those other times. If you say yes now, and tell people, then next time, it means you’re a failure if you choose not to next time”

Well, the only way I know to kick those lies in the guts is to expose them. The only way I know to get past the shame is to risk the vulnerability of sharing. The only way I can take this trash and transform it for good is if I can talk it and share it. It’s flippin scary - to put it lightly - but I want it to be used for good. I want to be real, as I know some of you out there reading this may be going “am I the only one”. I want you to know you’re not alone. So, this is for all of you out there who hide, scared and alone.

You’re not alone. I am in the boat with ya and we are going places.

So deep breath here goes….

I’ve struggled for quite some years with this anxiety, depression thing. After a really difficult period in life it got extreme, to the point where I could not leave a family member or close person without feeling immense panic inside of me.

It debilitated me.

It stole away my life. I couldn’t make sense of it. How could an adult not do simple things a child could do? And how could a Christian Missionary of all people be so fearful; weren’t they supposed to have no fear and be filled with faith?

Things were so bad I ended up moving back home to live with my parents and to get some help. I don’t know if anyone knew outside of family how bad it was. I’m not even sure they knew the extent at times. I mean how could anyone when I did not understand it myself?

Shame stopped me from saying anything.

So anyway, fast forward to now, 10 plus years on.

It’s been a long road of recovery. I’m still on it. There are still many things I have not conquered but there is far more that I have.

Which brings me to this week. One of the things I choose not to do is stay alone in a house overnight. It scares me too much. I can’t explain why but something in me just says “NO” and for years I have not been able to move past it.

In the last 10 years I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have slept in the house alone overnight. Whenever others go away, I pack my pillow and clothes, and go to stay with family or a friend or a friend comes to stay with me.

It has always felt shameful to let anyone know that I am a 40 year old adult who chooses not to stay alone.

But this week I chose to stay a night alone. It took a lot of talking to myself to do it. One of my fears was actually that if I do it, and celebrate it, people will expect me to always want to do it.

To always feel up to it.

They may even think I enjoy being alone and I will just lose connection.

Cause in a way my anxiety was giving me what I was wanting; connection. But what I wanted was connection without a must. Does that make sense???

I wanted to choose to go to stay at my family. Not “I can’t do this so I must”.

I also wanted to celebrate without shame as it was a BIG thing for me. And as I type this, I am about to face the second night fully alone this week. And I will admit my heart and head is still doing some rounds and that echoing voice is saying ‘keep quiet!!!’

But I am doing it! I’m staying alone, and I’m essentially telling the world!

Does this all make me crazy? Does this make me any less of a person or an adult?

Does this make me less likeable or lovable?

Does this write me off as a student counsellor?

Does this write me off as a Pastoral care worker?

Does this write me off as an awesome Aunty? Does this write me off as a friend? NO!

Should I celebrate? YES! I darn well should!!! Should I shout it from the roof top??? No roofs are not for shouting from, but I will shout it from this world wide web blog site!

I’ve done a lot of hard work and processing to get to this. It’s been a continuous mind workout. And this week I’ve achieved it and will achieve it tonight (well if I stop typing before dawn that is).

I got asked today why this week? What’s different? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

And I hated the question as immediately the hassling voice went, ‘yeah why now?’

‘You could have done this ages ago…. shame! You failed all those times! See she thinks you should have done it earlier and she doesn’t get it’

That’s the old critic speaking who robs me of celebrating. I wanted to run and hide, but thankfully I found my voice to say I don’t like that question.

I explained why, and they were able to semi assure me it was not what they meant, which I kind of already knew. I just needed to voice it, to shut it up. I have not figured out the answer to that question. Why now?

And I still feel a little uncomfortable with celebrating. Parts of me want to significantly mark and celebrate it and the other still says NO WAY HIDE! I guess once I hit post, I can celebrate giving shame the old one two.

Back to the beginning of the post, the ache.

I think it’s the sadness as I realise all that was robbed. Not just the freedom to stay alone if I choose, but also the celebrations along my journey of recovery. Too long I have been silent. But not anymore. I want to stand tall and proud, not ashamed.

And even more so, I want you who is reading and going ‘I hear ya’ to not feel alone or ashamed of whatever is going on. Whether it be anxiety, depression, dyslexia, addiction, grief… you’re not alone! Take courage as you are loved, valuable and worthy even in the midst of the mess and shame. And if you need someone, give me a message.

P.S In case ya wondering why the title… Anxiety and shame have been like this broken smoke alarm which was going off all day and evening at a neighbouring house. We tracked it down late last night in the dark to check that no one was actually in the house hurting and being ignored. We found the alarm in pieces outside still shrieking a high pitch ear-piercing scream. Anxiety is kinda like the false alarm going off saying there is danger. Shame was when the anxiety was chucked out, I faced it but it shrieked on outside, literally in pieces as you see in the picture. There was no fire, no smoke and no person dead. It was an alarm system which was meant for good but somehow, it was misreading the situation. There was no danger. Like the alarm, anxiety is my alarm system misinterpreting the situation. Shame too is a warning system, but like anxiety, it is also out of place.

It wasn’t my fault the anxiety, just as the alarm was not at fault. It was just my warning system misinterpreting the situation.

Oh my gosh!!! Did I just say all that aloud??? Yep I did! Is that my alarm going off again. Now I’d like to know what you’re wondering.

Thanks for wondering about anxiety and shame with me.

Rebecca Ogden is a blogger, community support worker and student of counseling. She writes at Unedited Wondering, click HERE to check out more of her work.