The agony of loving someone who wants to die / Christine Welten

This piece was written originally in 2018, we've published it unaltered here.

2018. What a year.

This has been one of the hardest years Luke and I have had together. In January we watched his mum die (after losing his Nana in just November the year before). I got hit with a chronic illness that leaves me in bed 3-7 days of the week. And Luke has fought suicidal depression.

We haven’t talked much about this outside of our family as we didn’t want to make it super public, but Luke has started to find his voice and speak about what he has gone through, and he gave me permission to do the same.

All this year Luke has fought his own mind to stay alive. This isn’t the first time he has experienced this - depression nearly succeeded in taking his life when he was 16. Some days this year he has barely held on, his exhaustion and hopelessness overwhelming him.

Loving someone who wants to die is rough. Your heart aches and bleeds for them and there is nothing you can say or do to make it better. If cuddles could squeeze out depression then Luke would be cured. If kisses could fix mental boo boos then he would be fine. If love alone could make him happy then I know he would be full of joy all the time!

Some days are better than others. Some days are merely ‘meh’, where he feels little but can still have a laugh. Other days I hold him in bed while he weeps and asks when he will feel better. Some days I can go out and not worry at all. Other days I seriously wonder if I will find him dead in the house somewhere upon my return.

Living the reality that the person you love the most could take their life at anytime is one of the hardest things I have had to face. And seeing the amount of pain he is in, I wouldn’t blame him or be angry. I would understand that he was exhausted, that he couldn’t fight anymore. I see his exhaustion and I wish I could give him strength to keep going. I know in some ways I do, I know I give him the emotional support and strength he needs, but I can’t give him the physical strength that I want to.

I have watched the man I love in a battle for his life and I have been unable to fight with him. I have only been able to stand on the sidelines and cheer him on. We both understand mental health so we checked all the boxes on what you are supposed to do - we got him on medication, we made sure he ate regularly and (mostly) well, we tried to get him to exercise as much as we could. Thank God for our doctor who took us seriously and got him on the best medication straight away. We called helplines and reached out for psychiatric help, but the mental health system in NZ is so broken. It is now December and we are still waiting for the mental health team to contact us. We have had no professional help from psychologists as there is no help available in our town. We have yelled and screamed for someone to help us, but even as urgent case as his case is, there is still months of waiting . So we have battled without psychological help. Ads on TV tell young men to reach out for help with depression, but what if there is no one there at the other end when you do?

Depression doesn’t just affect the person who has it. It takes a toll on their family too. We are both running on empty, both exhausted mentally and emotionally and we don’t know how long it will be before the mental health system swoops in to help us.

Luke is one of the strongest people I know. He has had to battle his head everyday just to survive and he is still here. I see his exhaustion and the pain he is in and I am so impressed that he keeps going where so many would’ve given up. My heart has been broken for him over and over and I know it is only God that gives us both the strength to face this.

We have amazing friends who care so much about Luke. Friends that drop everything and come to take him out. Friends that cook us meals. Friends that ask if I need a break. Friends that pray and fast for us. We could not have done this year without you.

I love Luke so much. To those just hearing about his struggle for the first time, please don’t inundate him with texts and calls. He can’t handle it. We have a rule in this house that there is no such thing as obligation. We will cancel plans if we need to, not talk to people we don’t want to, not go to things if we can’t face it. We are in survival mode and this may offend some people. Luke’s life is more important to me than whether or not we offend you. Please understand that.

Christine Welten is the Pastor of The Invisible Body, to find out more about her church please visit www.tibchurch.com or email theinvisiblebodychurch@gmail.com

Her personal blog can be found at www.christinewelten.com

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