A Response to Toxic Masculinity: LET’S NOT CREATE BOXES
How do we reclaim masculinity? What would masculinity look like if we let patriarchy die?
A personal, short reflection.
What does it mean to “reclaim masculinity”? I am a purchaser in an industrial company. We buy reclaimed materials: these are materials that have already been used, have served their purpose, are worn and are destined to the dump. But we reclaim them. We clean them up, separate them from any contaminating elements, and re-use them in our production cycle in variable but controlled (and much lower) quantity with respect to the virgin materials. Is this what we’re trying to do? Has masculinity as it was seen traditionally served its purpose? Is it worn and contaminated and destined to the dump? Are we trying to clean it up and restore it for more use?
Personally I struggle with the idea of defining masculinity (or femininity for that matter), whether traditionally or not. To define something literally means to set limits to it. When we give a definition, we are creating a box with defined specifications: what is found to be inside that range is labeled “OK”. What is outside the range of the specs is labeled “not conform”. When something is labeled “not conform” it means there is a problem that needs to be taken care of. Sometimes it gets thrown out. Here we are talking about people, not industrial products. Have we not yet learned about the damage of putting labels on people? Have the devastating effects (not to mention the staggering costs) of not being accepted because different versus the standard not yet taught us to at least be cautious, if not suspicious, of boxes?
The truth is that we like to take shortcuts. Instead of taking the time to really get to know people, we give them a label so that it’s easier to “find their file” when having to relate to them. The reality is, being a man doesn’t automatically make you a leader or good at maths. So, rather than relying on stereotypes, it is better to get to know a person, and let other people know us, and accept each other as we are.
My boss is a woman. She has a degree in chemistry and a very scientific mind. A typical tomboy you’d think. But no: she wears dresses, makeup, and has long hair. Me? Most days I can’t be bothered with makeup and I prefer to wear trousers. I can’t be bothered “wasting” time doing my hair up, so I feel blessed to have the easy-to-manage hair. Does that make me less feminine? It depends on your definition. I know a couple where she is the quiet type, one who minds her own business. He is the chatterbox, likes to know what people around him are up to and likes to comment on it. Does that make him less masculine? Again, it depends on your definition.
We are all different. There is diversity even within the same gender group… can we really talk about the average male or the average woman?
How to reclaim masculinity? Does the question even make sense? We are created in the image of God… are we sure we want to set limits on the expression of masculinity and femininity as expressions of the image of God? Yes, we are different. There are biological differences. But in each of us, male and female, are found the same elements (e.g. hormones), only to different degrees which allow for some generalizations (generally speaking, women have less hair than men, but there are exceptions). I would find it much more interesting, exciting and relaxing to keep discovering new or different expressions of masculinity rather than defining it and then having to find an explanation (and a solution) for something that is outside that box.
The fact is that to be in any way interesting, what we say about masculinity would necessarily have to be something that goes beyond cultural elements. Yet, if we go around the 195 countries in the world, we will find 195 different views on masculinity (and probably more, because in one country there could be more than one view). And no culture would accept another one’s view to be taken as reference for all. So what can we do? Gather information from all cultures and try to mix and shake and see what comes out? We could call it the masculinity smoothie!
As far as I know, there is only one example of masculinity which is generally accepted by both Christians and non-Christians worldwide. Jesus. He was gentle (but could be stern when necessary), patient, loving, forgiving, he was committed to his goals, submissive and full of compassion. Jesus listened and looked at people and took notice of their hurts, responded to them going beyond stereotypes and refusing tradition when it hindered his work. He didn’t take shortcuts. He got intimate, and he was honest. And I’m sure he was despised for his lack of masculinity as viewed at the time, but in so being, he was powerful leader. He still is all of the above. But does this apply only to men? No. Jesus is a model for women too. We all need to let patriarchy die in ourselves.
Let’s face it: patriarchy will never completely die out. It’s not just the desire to dominate (which is inside us all, women too); it’s also the desire to appear to embody certain characteristics and not others. We won’t get rid of it. Not in this world. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight it, because we recognize its cost to mankind. Patriarchy is making us all more vulnerable, not only men. When we have to strive to embody certain characteristics (the ones inside the box), and appear not to embody others (the ones outside the box), when in fact we have both or maybe even more of the latter and less of the first, we are making ourselves and our loved ones weak. We are setting ourselves up for depression, anxiety, substance use, violence against others and ourselves, murder and suicide.
Let’s teach our kids to not take shortcuts. Let’s get to know each other, let’s get intimate and be honest to each other, let’s learn from each other, see each other’s hurts, support each other, give each other space to be emotional and appear vulnerable, let’s show each other that we don’t have to fit in a box. In fact let’s be aware that we were never intended to fit in a box. Let’s let patriarchy die in ourselves and in our families. It starts there. Masculinity will look more like Jesus. Femininity too. We would all embody the same elements, though maybe to different degrees. But that’s ok. Let’s not create boxes.
Angela Rolston