"I Love You... But." How The Church Excludes The Rainbow / From The Pen of Your Neighbour

I love you, but...

... but I don’t really know how I feel about that.

... but I haven’t really looked into that stuff much.

... but I don’t think that’s God’s plan for humanity.

... but I think you’re wrong about this, and here’s why.

There are lots of possible endings to that statement and LGBTQI Christians have heard them/are hearing them/will hear them.

They will hear them from their friends, sometimes their family and, if they’ve been raised in the church, probably from people they’ve known their whole lives.

Often, these statements are well intentioned. The beginning claims “love” and is meant to be encouraging. The second part of the statement is intended to be honest and, possibly, to “speak the truth in love”. But here’s the thing - putting a “but” at the end of this statement, in the context of LGBTQI inclusion in the church, negates it.

It tells the teenage boy, or the woman in her mid 20s, or the man in his late 50s who is within the rainbow community and in your church, that love for them is conditional in a way that it’s not for others.

And the condition is that in order to be fully accepted and respected, they must either stay closested and deny a large part of their identity, or they must actively seek to change it. Either way, the options are celibacy or an unfulfilling relationship which could cause hurt to both parties.

The thing is, though, that there are often no resources available within the church to support people with either celibacy (a rather big ask) or the discussion of same sex relationships. And so often, LGBTQI Christians must find support outside of the church or just continue on in the face of lost relationships, discrimination and judgement.

I write this as a Christian who identifies with the rainbow community. Although the friends that I’ve shared this part of my life with have been supportive and kind, I know that the same is unlikely from the rest of my church family - an otherwise loving family who welcomes unmarried mothers, divorcees, the outcasts and the broken. For many Christians, the rainbow community seems to be a whole other class of person, unworthy of full inclusion or celebration.

Of course, I’m not “out” to my church family at this point, so this is specualtion based on observation. I’ve read and heard about the negative comments made to church members who are “out” as LGBTQI allies. I was present when a petition against gay marriage was circulated a few years ago. I’m also aware that there are no openly gay couples in the congregation. All of these things add up to an expectation of being judged, criticised, and most likely “challenged” by well-intentioned yet misguided people.

The thing is, I’m doing the work. I’m working out for myself (based on the work of other LGBTQI Christians, allies, theologians, and the bible) about where I stand in my faith and identity. I have reasonable critical thinking skills and assurance in myself due to my education and life experience. So, although it would be hard and awful and hugely unfair, I can probably cope with what is to come.

My concern is that the church (the wider church), made up of leadership teams skewing largely towards straight married couples with kids, won’t do the work. If it doesn’t appear to be an issue in their church (because it’s not safe for LGBTQI Christians to live out all aspects of their identity in their church) then why would they? My concern is largely for the teenager growing up in a culture which looks at these issues from one traditional perspective and hears no other voices. I fear for the young person who questions their own worth because of this - alone and at the mercy of teenage judgement and hormones.

LGBTQI Christians exist. They are in conservative churches, mega churches, house churches, small groups and also outside the church. They want to be included and accepted. They want to talk about dating and relationships and be supported in that. But a church environment which is either staunchly against the rainbow community, or has a an uncertain and vague stance on it makes that difficult.

“Welcoming but not affirming” is not welcoming for them. “I love you, but” is not love in this context.

So if you’re part of the rainbow community, I encourage you to seek out people who can love you well. That may happen better online than in person, but there are LGBTQI Christians who are doing life well. And if you’re an ally, thank you.

If you don’t know where you stand on this, or if you feel like you want to be okay with this but don’t know why, I encourage you to find out. And I encourage you to include LGBTQI Christian voices in that journey.

From the Pen of Your Neighbour