How Christianity Groomed Me for an Abusive Relationship - Part Two: Leaving and Healing
This is Part Two of a Two Part series. If you haven't read Part One yet, we recommend you first read How Christianity Groomed Me for an Abusive Relationship – Part #1: The Falling
Breaking point was when I was standing inside my bathroom one night, barricading the door against him. He had been drinking with my cousin who had stood up for me and tried to say how shit his behavior was. They were screaming at each other so I hid and was calling for help. He was kicking and punching the door while I was standing behind it, sobbing into the phone, pleading for his family to come and pick him up. It was 3am in the morning and our son was 10 days old, I’d had a cesarean birth and was holding my stomach so my stitches didn’t tear.
To this day, I don’t know who called the police - but I’m forever grateful to them. They arrested this man that I loved, but so desperately needed to be away from. My family drove up from out of town and I stayed with them until I was able to drive again. I didn’t tell them what had been going on, I was too proud to admit how bad things were, and I felt that I deserved this for ‘falling out of God’s favor’. I still had this loyalty to protect what they knew about him, and I had been taught that women protected their men and didn’t speak negatively about them.
Four weeks later I came back to Auckland and began the journey to freedom.
Reader beware, the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave an abusive relationship. They don’t want to give you space, so they follow you from room to room, sucking the oxygen.
There were times when he would grab my keys so I couldn’t drive away from him, or take my wallet so I couldn’t buy anything, while a therapist’s words echoed in my ears about keeping a spare key and cash in case of an emergency like this.
He would pound on the door in the middle of the night for me to let him in, and I would because I didn’t want him to wake the baby, and maybe because part of me still craved reconciliation and his approval.
Despite my pleading, he wouldn’t leave, so I did.
I was holding my 2 month old baby and running down the street to the local Plunket to seek sanctuary. They called the police for me and cautioned that this would start the ball rolling for victim services. I held my son and nodded, looking out the window to see his figure running down the street towards us, growing bigger with each second.
I got a protection order, I was able to show the police text messages where he threatened to kill himself if I left him, or he would describe how he would smash my teeth in and gouge my eyes out before bashing my head in. I knew what he was capable of, having sat next to him in court countless times and hearing every detail. We had this joke that I never worried about him when he went out drinking, because whenever he got arrested he was able to call me from the station. I knew that he could knock out two men with one punch, and that he had gone back later to stomp on their unconscious faces. This knowledge used to make me feel protected, now it hung over me like black terror.
I moved house to somewhere he didn’t know. Packing boxes, terrified that he would show up like he had been doing, despite the protection order. SHINE rang me every day to check in, I went to the police station and reported every time he contacted me. I went to group therapy for women that had been in abusive relationships. I looked around and these strong, powerful women and wondered how we all could have gotten it so wrong.
My martyr attitude cost me six years, and so much heartache.
Over time it got easier, the 4am calls from private numbers ceased. I quit one job after he showed up at my work, and I could drive home without scanning the roads for his car, wondering if he would follow me home.
It has taken years to see what part I played in enabling his behavior, and how my ‘til death do us part’ attitude damaged my view of a healthy relationship... or how I thought I deserved the life I had because of my sins. It has taken 5 years of being single and finding myself again. I mourned the death of our relationship.
My dreams of working through our valley and coming out on the other side, this shining example of relationship purgatory, was not to be.
Most of all, I feel like I let my son down by my poor choices, and it’s screwed up, but at times I have resented my son for ‘breaking us up’. I feel like we still could have been together if our relationship hadn’t threatened my son’s safety.
I have fought hard to find the person that I am without the religious stigmas or my past view of myself. I have found love again in the most unexpected way, and here’s what I have learnt on this journey:
Instead of turning the other cheek, walk away and create distance (even just emotionally) from people that hurt you.
You have ultimate control over your sex life, friendship circles, decisions, how you dress and act. Be very vigilant about whose voice you choose to listen to. What’s wrong with your own?
Have open conversations about sex and relationships. Especially with people that have different opinions. We do ourselves a disservice by surrounding ourselves with people that parrot the same beliefs as us.
Being married or committed to someone does not give them ownership of your mind, body or soul. Your body is yours to have sex when you want to. Your time and attention is yours to give to others as you want.
It is ok to feel whatever you feel, and you should never be made guilty or told that you’re wrong for feeling a certain way.
You choose the life that you want for yourself.
What can we do?
NZ has terrible statistics around domestic violence, just because a women doesn’t have a black eye, doesn’t mean she’s not being abused. The wounds on the inside take the longest to heal. http://areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/its-not-just-physical/
Take this positive relationship quiz: http://areyouok.org.nz/i-need-help/positive-relationship-quiz/#quiz-374
Protect the children - they don’t choose to be in an abusive home, their parents do.
Brainwave Trust - Witnessing violence between parents is linked with emotional, psychological, behavioural, social and academic problems. (Teicher et al., 2006 cited by Teicher & Vitaliano, 2011). http://www.brainwave.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Newsletter_Dec2011_web.pdf
The impact of abusive and neglectful experiences during childhood can interfere with healthy brain and body development with devastating consequences that may follow a child into adulthood and sometimes continue into the next generation. http://www.brainwave.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/brainwavenewsletter24_web.pdf
A Courageous Woman
If you’re experiencing domestic abuse or concerned about someone you know, call Shine’s Helpline on 0508-744-633 now. You can call as many times as you need, for as long as you need to.