"Are Gays crazy...? Well maybe a little": Sexuality, Mental Health and the Church / Jim Marjoram
The mental health of LGBT people is usually only discussed in derogatory terms, especially by the conservative/fundamentalist church. We are regarded as being either purposely sinful, deceived, or” broken” in some way. This means that the “default” setting assumes some sort of mental illness is the cause and result of being LGBT. We have to start with the simple fact that no one ever chooses to be gay (or LGBTIQ+). No one. Ever. It is a completely unfounded myth. But because of the attitudes of the church and traditional societal values, gay folks are brought up (consciously or sub-consciously) with the idea that they are “faulty” in some way. This creates the fertile ground for mental illness. I knew from quite young that I was somehow different, but when puberty hit, there was no question about it. Girls no – boys yes! But having to deny or suppress that creates huge internal pressures. I had to pretend to like girls while trying to find boys who felt the same. It’s a dangerous game, and something “straight” people can’t comprehend. We face the prospect of being “found out” daily, and live with the constant fear that produces. I experienced suicidal thoughts at around the age of 18 because of this. The feeling of utter helplessness is soul destroying, even though I was a Christian! What the bible appeared to say and what the reality of my mind and body said were totally incompatible! This creates what’s called “cognitive dissonance” - the psychological condition where two directly opposing and incompatible beliefs are irreconcilable and create various mental illnesses. I began to live in a state of subtle depression that developed into a social anxiety. Although I would put on a good face and join in all the action, I was constantly fighting inside. I would become immobilised and afraid of making decisions. I would sit in front of the TV, not because I was lazy, but because I simply couldn’t face the war going on in my head. As I grew more devoted in my faith and sought God’s help in every conceivable way to change, the dissonance became even worse. There were so many occasions where I would plan the best way to end it. The 15 years in Living Waters conversion therapy only made my mental health worse. They promised change, and I clung to that, but with zero results. I clung to the delusion though as we talked about how God was healing us, and I gave testimonies to his changing power and grace. This had to come out somewhere, but there was no way I could be honest enough to address the problem with anyone, so I became more depressed, prone to outbursts of anger, suicidal ideation, increased anxiety (causing an absolute inability to make decisions or engage in activities). I was often on the edge of suicide. When my wife died in 2011 I had a breakdown. This was the final straw. She wanted life, I wanted death. I was left with nothing apart from the realisation that my life was a lie. I’d like to say that my mental health is awesome now, but the scars are too deep. After the breakdown my ability to absorb complex information became a non-event, so I could no longer work in my career as an Instructional Designer, let alone anything that required understanding complex information. I could not be relied upon for the simplest of tasks as I would freeze up with anxiety. I became a sickness beneficiary, and to this day, I can’t hold down a job. I get days where getting out of bed is a struggle. I sometimes go totally blank in the shops, or don’t understand a word of what someone just said to me, or have to re-read something half a dozen times before getting it {if at all}, and I never know when this will happen, although there are definite triggers, especially to do with religion. This is my “limp”. Much of what I experience, and what far too many gay people experience, is a type of PTSD. Memories trigger drastic symptoms. I am fortunate that I can still function socially and now love my life. But I know so many who have suffered far more than myself, and struggle daily to even function as a “normal” person. For LGBT people, mental health is possibly our most pressing issue, and sadly, the church has been directly responsible for a disproportionate amount of it. The very place that should be bringing life has brought suffering and death. We have achieved so much in terms of equality and human rights. But we have a long way to go to sort out the damage.
Jim Marjoram is founder of Silent Gays an organization that supports people struggling with their sexuality and their faith. To connect with him you can find him here at "Its Life Jim," and also here at "Silent Gays" If this story has brought up anything for you and you would like to talk to someone about it you can either contact Jim above or any of the links below for further support.
Where to get help
Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or 09 5222 999 within Auckland.
Samaritans – 0800 726 666.
Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). Open 24/7
Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202. This service is staffed 24/7 by trained counsellors
Samaritans – 0800 726 666
Healthline – 0800 611 116
Counselling for children and young people
Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat. Open 24/7.
thelowdown.co.nz – or email team@thelowdown.co.nz or free text 5626
What’s Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm. Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily.
Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 (0800 kidsline) for young people up to 18 years of age. Open 24/7.
For more information about support and services available to you, contact the Mental Health Foundation’s free Resource and Information Service on 09 623 4812 during office hours or email info@mentalhealth.org.nz
Rainbow Youth - Call them (weekdays from 11am – 5pm): (09) 376 4155
Email them (anytime!): info@ry.org.nz
Outline - Call us on 0800 688 5463